Why Can’t You Assume Good Intentions? Pt. 1
Assume good intentions from me, before thinking the worst from me?
November 29, 2023 | 7:54 PM
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During the month of October, Grant’s sister Serena and I had a deep misunderstanding over plans to do a family trip to Disneyland in December. Grant and Ash haven’t been there before and we wanted to ensure that Ash got to experience that “kid magic” of Disneyland, before he goes to high school next year. Serena and I had never done a trip together with just her family and Grant’s, so we thought this would be a heartfelt experience for both of our families.
We were sorting out our misunderstandings over chips and guacamole at a Mexican restaurant located halfway between our homes. The evening was a combination of festive and tense, with the horn section of the music accentuating our heightened sentiments that were acutely present.
During the conversation, Serena asked me if the next time we have a misunderstanding, could I first, “assume good intentions from me, before thinking the worst of me?”
Well, that took me by surprise. Why would she ask me that?
Because you do that.
Do what?
Assume the worst. You think you’re gonna get one put over on you.
No, I don’t.
Yes, yes you do.
Shut up. I didn’t ask.
No, you shut up. You know it’s true and you got called out.
“Yeah, you’re right, when you hurt my feelings, I don’t assume good intentions from you. And this most recent misunderstanding brought back a lot of assumptions about you and your intentions towards me that I didn’t realize were still prevalent,” I said.
Serena responded. “But, I’ve reached out and apologized for how I’ve treated you in the past. We’ve spent this year healing and renewing our relationship and I thought we were better-off than we’ve ever been.”
“You know, Serena, you’re right. You reached out and offered a side of yourself that has contributed to the healing of our relationship. I have felt closer to you than I ever have. I vow to you that from this point on, moving forward, I will assume good intentions from you first. I know now that the details of the Disneyland trip was a misunderstanding. My ability to see it as a misunderstanding was clouded from past experiences with you and past hurts. And I allowed myself to slip into what was familiar, instead of staying on the forward moving path that we’ve been journeying.”
Over the course of the evening, we fleshed out what it is about the other that irritates us, the assumptions we’ve made up and believe about the other, what we want our relationship to look like moving forward, promised that we would talk about any misgivings or misunderstandings right away. It was a liberating conversation on my end and I left our evening feeling heard, seen, and closer to Serena. Most important, I gained a new respect for her and believe that we will continue to build an authentic friendship moving forward.
But there was one thing that is still weighing on my mind with such heaviness - why can I not assume good intentions? Why do I feel the need to have my guard up and be willing to fight to the death at a moments notice? Why do I spend so much mental energy playing out scenarios or conversations that will most likely never happen in real life? I mean… it’s possible, but highly unlikely… but could happen.
I’ve been pondering this question, since October 28th, the evening Serena and I went to dinner. I’ll let you know what I come up with.