Communications 101: Messenger & Receiver
If you initiate the conversation, how do you want the other person to receive your message?
December 13, 2023 | 3:37 AM
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I may be mixing up two university courses I took for my major - Communications 101 and Advertising 101 - however, both covered the topic of people existing in a Messenger and Receiver world.
For example, in a business environment, the Messenger might be a restaurant, an airline, a podcast, a commercial. The Receiver is the customer - you.
As the Messenger, we communicate to others in ways that are conscious or unconscious, verbal or non-verbal. As the Receiver, we are in a constant state of interpreting and processing what the Messenger is communicating. In a conversation, who plays the role of the Messenger and who plays the role of the Receiver constantly switches.
This topic permeates my thoughts whenever Grant and I have tension with Ash regarding anything he doesn’t want to do. Homework, tidying his room, removing the multiple tripping and fire hazards on his bedroom floor, washing the conditioner out of his hair thoroughly, applying deodorant, getting requirements done for his extracurricular activities.
Ninety-eight percent of the time, reminders from us result in moans and groans, an attitude of “why are you punishing me”, stomping (we live upstairs with tenants below us) shooting deep anguished stares at us similar to anime characters from his favorite shows, pulling his hair, shaking as his face turns red, then heaving sobs and self-condemnation of how stupid he is. You’ve probably experienced some variation of this with your kiddo or perhaps remember being that kiddo. I was more of a door-slammer and walked around with a “poor me” hunched back.
Ash’s behavior has been light variations of this since he was in grade school, but it has escalated more intensely as he’s gotten older and entered puberty.
But last night was… it kinda scared me. Ash kinda scared me. Grant kinda scared me. My reaction kinda scared me.
If you remember, Ash is in the Scouts of America program. It’s a great opportunity for Ash to learn life skills and how to function as a grown up. There are a hundred plus life skill topics that he can choose from which are earned in the form of Merit Badges (MB). In addition to the ones he can choose from, there are required MB’s like the Communications Merit Badge he’s been working on… since the summer camp of 2022. At one point, I questioned whether this MB was age appropriate for a (then) twelve year old. I believe it was, because he would’ve completed it if he had one more day at camp.
To make a long story short, here is where the contention stems from: Ash doesn’t like to write or type because it takes too long to transfer his thoughts onto paper or the screen. It frustrates him. Dictation is frustrating because the speech-to-type gets it wrong and isn’t perfect.
Over the years, he has improved a lot, but it still takes effort. And I get that - I’m still a slow typer and get bent out of shape when I tap the wrong key over and over. And he doesn’t want to do anything that isn’t of his choosing. Creating an anime world and designing each character - thumbs up! Penning a five minute speech on the self-proclaimed awesome summer he had - thumbs up! Editing down his speech to five minutes - THIS SO HARD! IT’S TAKING SO LONG! I CAN’T DO THIS!
(Damn… I’m beginning to see bits of me all over this. Well, that’s a story for another day.)
So it’s 6ish in the evening and we’re reviewing which sections of his Communications Merit Badge he has left to do. We complete one section and then he stands up in the middle of the review and announces he’s gonna shower. Grant and I are like WTH. Ash reacted with the aforementioned behavior and the vibe in the room changed very quickly.
I was so angry that this situation was happening again - this debilitating song and dance around an assignment. His dismissive and unappreciative response to us making time to guide him through this assignment. Yes, this might be age appropriate reactions, but it doesn’t mean that it should stand alone without redirection.
So, I went to the kitchen and started washing dishes. I had to channel my upset into something practical where I could see the fruits of my actions. Meanwhile, Grant was trying to have a conversation with Ash. Not yelling, but sternly addressing the behavior and giving Ash the opportunity to salvage the situation.
Then Ash hit his threshold and I heard a tone of voice that was… new to me. As he was talking to Grant, his voice sounded more mature and less kid-like than what I’m used to.
I walked around the corner to the living room and the two of them were standing face to face. Standing before me were two men, the younger one taller by mere inches. Grant looking up into Ash’s eyes with love and concern, verbally communicating that we love him and are trying to help him overcome this mental obstacle, which gets triggered so easily. Ash’s eyes looking down into his dad’s eyes, his body with hands clenched, communicating his frustrations, shame, and rage all in a non-verbal manner.
Ash was domineering and seeing my husband and my son standing in front of one another with so much emotion - sadness and concern from Grant and frustration and anger from Ash… it scared me. And it hit me: what if in this moment, Ash didn’t have self-control or presence of mind to control his rage? What would I do? How would Grant react? Would they come to blows?
We ended the night in silence. I checked on Ash, as I usually do, and he was asleep. I hugged him and kissed him good night.
. . . . .
Around 3am, Ash and I both woke up to use the bathroom. For whatever reason, our need to use the bathroom have been synchronous for many months. After he went into his bedroom, I walked in to see if his tummy was bothering him. He asked me to snuggle so I did.
“Mom, I had this bad dream that was like a nightmare, but it wasn’t. It was more like a bad dream. There was two.”
“The first one was we were having visitors from another Troop who wanted to check out our Troop. Everyone was on their phones and the Senior Patrol Leader didn’t do anything to stop it. And I was so mad. Like furious because they know we aren’t supposed to be on their phones and they were on their phones in front of a visiting Troop and it made us look bad.”
“And then the second one, which was like a nightmare because a dog almost attacked me and bit my face off, but it didn’t, this one I was at the market. There was a couple with dogs. The man had this Dalmatian or Great Dane. The lady had a white dog with blue eyes. The dog jumped up on me and tried to bite me and she was trying to get the dog off of me but not really because she was repeating Daisy, Daisy get down, but in a playful voice and not stern. And the man couldn’t do anything to help her because he was controlling the Dalmatian or Great Dane or whatever the big dog was. So I was like I’m getting gotta here and I managed to leave without getting bit. And I was upset because I was like why can’t people control their dogs cuz it almost bit my face.”
“Wow… those are pretty heavy dreams. Pretty scary. How do you feel now?”
“Okay, I guess. I’m really sorry for earlier.”
“I’m sorry too. You know it’s our job as your mom and dad to guide you, right?”
“I know. I love you guys.”
“Ash, you are our entire world. You are our happiness. You are a good boy. A great kid. You’ve improved and grown up so much. But there are areas that need improvement and it’s our job as your parents to help you navigate the tough areas so you can continue to reach your full potential.”
Ash squeezed my arm and nuzzled his face into it. He’s so cuddly. I’m so HAPPY he still likes to snuggle with me. It’s the BEST feeling EVER!
“Can I tell you my interpretation of your dream? What I think it means?” He nodded. “In the first dream, I think the frustration you felt with Scouts being on their phones reflects the frustration you felt with yourself last night and the frustration dad and I felt. Cuz you already know what the expectations are with your assignments. Does that sound right to you?”
“Makes sense.”
“I think the second dream reflects your love for Scouting like your love for dogs. You love dogs. You love being a Scout. You love to play with dogs and do the fun stuff. As a Scout, you like to do the fun stuff like go on hikes and camp. But sometimes, taking care of a dog is a lot of responsibility and it’s not fun. Just like in Scouting, you have responsibilities that aren’t fun. And it can feel scary. And like the dog trying to attack you, you probably felt attacked by me and dad and the situation probably felt scary.”
“That makes sense mom. Thanks for explaining things to me.”
“Thanks for allowing me to have a space to talk to you about it. I know we’ll be waking up soon, so I’m gonna let you fall back asleep.”
“But I can hear dad snoring.” We both giggled. “You should snuggle with me for a few more minutes.” I stayed for a few more minutes. He just so darn snuggly!
“I love you, mommy. I’m glad you guys care about me.”