One Thing Parents Have in Common?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who gets the one word response of “good” or “okay”?
February 13, 2024 | 3:50 PM
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The “how was your day” question - it’s a conversation starter that leads to a dead end. Please tell me I’m not the only one who gets the one word response of “good” or “okay”? I’ve been reading multiple articles on how to get more than a one word answer from your child and I tried to implement it in my conversation with Ash.
Me: “How was your day?”
Ash: “Pretty good.”
Me: “What made it so good?”
Ash: “I dunno.”
(Here’s where I tried to implement a technique I learned: ask specific questions.)
Me: “What did you have for lunch?”
Ash: “Burger.”
Me: “Ooh a burger sounds good. I know how much you like burgers. What was on it?”
Ash: “Meat.”
Me: “And???”
Ash: “Just meat. And bread.”
Me: “Did you like it?”
Ash: “It was okay.”
Me: “Could you add anything to the burger?”
Ash: “Maybe. But I usually don’t.”
Me: “Who did you hang out with today.”
Ash: “No one.”
(This comment triggered a memory of a falling out I had with two of my friends in 8th grade. I remembered it being a month of loneliness. It bothered me that he was alone. In hindsight - probably not a big deal. In the moment - BIG DEAL)
Me: “How come???”
Ash: “They did their own thing.”
Me: “Did something happen between you guys?”
Ash: “No.”
Me: “Did it make you sad.”
Ash: “No.”
Me: “Can I ask you a serious question?”
Ash: “Yes.”
Me: “Are things okay with you and your friends?”
Ash: “Yeah.”
Me: “Did you ask if you can join them?”
Ash: “Sometimes.”
Me: “Oh, this has happened before?”
Ash: “Yeah.”
Me: “Do you feel left out?”
Ash: “Sometimes.”
Me: “Is it a big deal? Does it ruin your day?”
Ash: “No. Sometimes I feel sad, but then I do my own thing.”
(Of course he does his own thing! Ash isn’t the type to allow sad feelings overcome him. He shakes things off pretty quickly and moves on.)
Me: “Sounds like you had a plan to stay upbeat.”
Ash: “Yeah, I mean I usually play wall-ball at lunch break, so whenever I don’t it’s a surprise to my friends. If they’re doing their own thing I’ll just go read.”
Me: “Is that why you always have a book on you.”
Ash: “Yeah.”
(He’s not sitting alone with nothing to occupy his time or his mind. At least he’s reading a book.)
Me: “What else is good?”
Ash: “I don’t know.”
(I was hoping he’d voluntarily tell me if he knew how he did on the math quiz.)
Me: “How about the math quiz.”
Ash: “What about it?”
(Helloooooo?!?!? I’m asking so I know how you did. Can you help my eyes from rolling out of my head, please? This quiz and your grade was all you could talk about.)
Me: “How did you do on your math quiz?”
Ash: “My teacher said I did well on the quiz.”
Me: “That’s wonderful news! So, that made it a pretty good day?”
Ash: “I guess.”
On the bright side, we did have a conversation that wasn’t a dead-end. I need to remember that the more I implement the different techniques I’ve learned into my conversations with Ash, the easier it will be to implement them effortlessly.
I get so bunchy when I’m trying to connect with him and the connection lasts for a millisecond. It’s annoying when I want to know what’s going on in his world and I can’t get much out of him.
Later in life, I hope Ash remembers that I was always interested in his world. Interested in his feelings, his friendships, why it wasn’t a happy day or it was a day that he needed to talk through.
In the end, I hope the take away will be a positive build on our future relationship. He probably won’t remember the specifics of our conversations and interactions, but I think he will remember what it felt like to be in the thoughts of his mom.
. . . .
After proofreading this article, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ash tells a therapist that after school conversations with me felt like an interrogation! I definitely need to smooth out how I ask my questions.