Coronavirus, You’ve Changed My Life
So, I guess I’m not a COVID-immune mutant.
January 30, 2024 | 8:41 AM
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It’s been a while since I’ve posted to my blog and I apologize for that. It really bothers me when I make a commitment - like posting a new article every Thursday - and I’m unable to follow through for various reasons.
It wasn’t out of laziness. It wasn’t because I ran out of life experiences to write about. And it wasn’t due to being busy. I stopped writing (among other things), because COVID broke me down both mentally and physically.
The three of us had been so careful not to catch it. Grant caught it in 2022, during his first in-person work event and he basically lived outside and slept on the couch for weeks. And after three years and eight months of not catching the coronavirus, I wondered if I was some kind of COVID-immune mutant. Then Tuesday, the 7th of November 2023 changed all of that.
Both Ash and I had been feeling crappy the Thursday before I tested positive, so we knew “something” was going on with our bodies. Just in case Ash was sick and would be staying home from school, I decided to make him a hearty chicken soup. He loves the ginger, garlic, and onions that go into it! Grant was prepping his stuff for his weeklong work event in San Jose, so it would be Ash and me together for the upcoming week. I had a feeling that the week would be busy flying solo without Grant, so I spent time tidying, cleaning the apartment, and washing several loads of laundry.
Monday morning comes and it’s obvious that Ash was in no condition to go to school. His cough was deep, his sinuses congested, his head was pounding, he had a fever, was feeling hot / cold, and extremely achy. I made an appointment at the clinic and we both got tested for COVID, RSV, and Influenza A. Later that evening, an email from the clinic confirmed that Ash tested negative for RSV and the flu, but tested positive for coronavirus. I tested negative for all three. But why was I feeling so terrible? All of my symptoms mirrored Ash’s.
It’s Tuesday morning and I’m feeling like Ash did on Monday. I took an at home COVID test. After fifteen minutes, Ash let me know my results with deep sobs.
“Mommmmmmmmm… I am a terrible kid. I gave you COVID. Now you’re sick and it’s all my fault.”
It took a long time to calm him down. I reassured him that it wasn’t his fault and that we would take care of each other. I tested twice more at home and each time confirmed me as positive for COVID.
So, I guess I’m not a COVID-immune mutant. I am not one of those people that could have COVID and be asymptomatic. Honestly, I thought I was. I thought I was in the rare percentile because I had never gotten COVID. But I did. And it was terrible.
Now I understand why some people who are suffering with excruciating, debilitating pain might see death as a relief. I have never experienced pain so strongly that death seemed like a preferable outcome. For two days, I could feel every bone and every joint in my body. I would’ve sworn on the Bible that someone had taken a baseball bat to my body and had beaten me up. Every breath I took brought on the most excruciating pain throughout my entire body. I cried selfish lamentations that God take this pain away. I prayed with wholehearted sincerity that even though the pain was unbearable, please God don’t let me die from COVID. It was the first time in years that I had reached out to God in such desperation and I felt ashamed praying to Him for help (I’ll write about my relationship with religion in a future article).
To be absolutely clear, I was not considering self-harm and both Ash and I were never in any danger. What got me to the point of thinking that death would be a relief was that fact that I didn’t know when the pain would stop. It was the not knowing when it would end that really messed with my mind. And this excruciating pain lasted for two consecutive days. It’s no wonder why people who are tortured give up their secrets. Maybe they can make the pain stop by giving in.
It was Thursday and Ash was back to his old self. He was full on energetic and if it wasn’t for his cough, you’d never know he was sick. I debated telling Grant how bad I was. There wasn’t anything he could do and he was outnumbered with Ash and I both having COVID. It was best that he was away and safe. It seemed like the logical thing to do while he was away for work.
During this time, I learned so much about Ash, while we navigated COVID together. He took it upon himself to do his chores without any reminders from me. He warmed up soup for us on the stove. Took my temperature every hour just to know what it was. He even made me a cold compress for my head. We watched documentaries and game shows. I’d share with you what they were, but I can’t remember.
What I do remember was that I was debating on whether to order delivery again. I was craving Tom Yom Soup from the Thai restaurant a few blocks away. We had ordered from them four days in a row.
“Mom, I think it’s okay to order delivery.”
“But this will be the fourth night in a row. I’ve spent so much money. It’s a bit much.”
“Mom… I think we can both agree that you’re in no condition to be cooking am I right?”
I nodded. “Well, yeah.”
“Okay, so you went over budget. You have COVID! It’s okay to order delivery! Give yourself a break. It’s okay. Don’t beat yourself up over ordering delivery. Take care of yourself. Delivery is a resource and you’re helping the workers have a job. Boom! Using your wisdom against you!” Ash was enamored with himself saying Boom! Using your wisdom against you! I think I’ll hear a lot of that as he approaches high school.
Finally, the weekend arrived and Grant was home from his work trip. Ash and I both tested negative for coronavirus and we agreed it was safe for Grant to be around us. The atmosphere felt complete with him home and Ash was really happy to have the three of us together.
Best of all, I wasn’t in pain anymore, but I was still very achy and weak. I was sitting on the couch, enjoying the sunlight in the living room when Ash exclaimed, “Be aware of your surroundings mom!” He pretended like he was going to pounce on me. “JK, JK, (just kidding) I’ll wait until you feel better, then we wrestle!!!”
He sat next to me and I thought it would be a good opportunity to get his thoughts of our COVID experience.
“Well, looks like we survived COVID.”
“Yeah, let’s not get that again.”
“Were you scared at any point or do you have anything you want to talk about? I know it was a lot for you to deal with taking care of us both.”
Ash got quiet and very still. He pursed his lips and closed his eyes tight. Tears started rolling down his face. Oh crap.
“Mom, I know we got the vaccinations and all, but I was scared that we were going to die. I mean I got better really fast so I knew I wasn’t going to die, but you were so sick. I had 911 ready to go just in case… you know. And I wanted to call dad but I didn’t want him to come home and get COVID and then if he did it would be all my fault. I knew you weren’t going to die, but still.”
I had no idea that he was keeping this in and I’m so glad I asked him how he was dealing with our shared experience. We talked about why it’s important to stay up to date with COVID boosters and other vaccines. This became a more in depth conversation, which included Grant. We all agreed that if we ever find ourselves in a similar situation, no matter the circumstance, we need to communicate how seriously ill we are feeling. I don’t know how any of this would’ve been better or worse had I told Grant how bad off I was. And I didn’t give him an opportunity to assess the best course of action - continue his work trip or come home.
. . . .
As I close this article, I should note that I’m sick again. Every year I get bronchitis, so it’s not a big surprise that I am sick during this time of year. It’s been raining and windy off and on for several weeks, so it makes sense that I’m sick. However, it’s maddening that I’m sick again, because I was sick four weeks ago. My body just needs a break to recover.
It’s February 2024, three months since having COVID and I am still dealing with the scars from the it. Every four to six weeks I have symptoms of being under the weather - coughing, fatigue, congestion. So does Ash, sans the fatigue.
And I’m worried. I’m scared. Why are we both suffering like this? Ash has never been sick as much as he has been since getting COVID. I’m always tired and coughing. The truth is that I have been angry. Angry how the coronavirus has upended my mental and physical health. I’m just angry all the time. And I’m scared how this virus has mentally and physically changed me.