Coronavirus, You’ve Caused Me Much Grief
“We grieve over the loss of something, such as the loss of control or safety.” - Dr. Ajita Robinson
February 20, 2024 | 12:26 AM
Image by Thijs van Laarhoven from Getty Images
If you read my article from last week titled “Coronavirus, You’ve Changed My Life”, then you know I’ve been dealing with the lingering effects of COVID. I didn’t understand how debilitating a virus could be on the psyche. Yes, there’s the brain fog, forgetting words, forgetting what you were about to say or about to do, the inability to recall the name of something you use everyday, that damn lingering cough, the odd aches and pains, the loss of smell - all real effects of having this virus.
I assumed that I’d be back to my old self after a week or so. Yeah, I couldn’t cook anything for the family, because I couldn’t taste anything. Ash and Grant helped out with the cooking and when I attempted to cook, they would tell me if it needed more flavor.
Sure, I’d be achy and tired. After grocery shopping I needed a nap. Going up and down the stairs winded me and I needed a nap. It bugged me that I had to ask Ash and Grant to help me wash my laundry or the linens, to vacuum or do any of the practical stuff I enjoy doing. To them, asking for help was no problem at all. “We’re a team,” was their response.
But even with their help, my need to function independently was trampling the reality that I needed their assistance. And I grew angry that I needed so much help, because I was recovering from COVID. I was apologizing to them everyday for being snappish and short tempered. At first I blamed it on COVID - it’s just the COVID brain fog, the COVID fatigue, the COVID aches and pains. I recognized that I was slowly unraveling, but I thought it would pass.
I have spent many weeks asking the Universe to show me why I am so angry. There was more to it than having had COVID. It was more than living in my new reality that my independence and self-sufficiency was gone. The not knowing when I’d get that back was torture.
Then one night last week as I was falling asleep, the answer came to me. October, October, October - what was so significant about October?
In October 2023, I made the decision to eat more of a plant based diet and reduce the amount of animal protein I consumed. It changed me! I had energy, was able to strength train, reduced inflammation throughout my body, was consistent with meal planning and cooking (we ordered in only three times that month!), my clothes were fitting nicely, and I lost five pounds. It took thirty-seven days to establish this habit and I was on a roll! I was actually, FINALLY, on a downtrend with my weight and I was feeling well and strong and happy.
Then it all came to an abrupt halt on November 7, 2023, and I’ve been chasing that momentum ever since. COVID kicked my ass - a head-to-toe beat down - and it threw me off of a course that I have to painstakingly rebuild again. Fricken AGAIN! It took such mental effort to commit to a lifestyle change that I actually benefited from. I felt the results. I saw the results. I was the results. I was so happy. And it’s been so hard to begin again.
. . . . .
A few nights ago I woke up from another coughing fit. I made peppermint tea with honey to soothe my throat and used the opportunity of the quiet and stillness to listen to a meditation on the Headspace app. The topic of the day was Naming Grief with Dr. Ajita Robinson. To sum it up, Dr. Robinson teaches that loss falls into two buckets: physical loss and symbolic loss. Physical loss can be seen - death of a loved one or losing a house in a fire. Symbolic loss is something we can’t see. It’s intangible in nature and we don’t recognize them as losses. We grieve over the loss of something, such as the loss of control or safety. We process this loss, or grief, in our bodies. Grief is a full body experience.
You know that feeling that washes over you when you have that “ah-ha” moment? Like the blood drains from your face or sometimes it feels like a hot flash? (in my case it might’ve been)
“We grieve over the loss of something, such as the loss of control or safety.”
It never occurred to me that grief could manifest out of loss of control or safety. That’s my answer to why I’ve been so angry. I’m experiencing the stages of grief!
The grief from losing control over the health achievements I made in October - as I write those words it just makes me wanna cry hot boiling tears of resentment. For thirty-seven days I was reborn and I then abruptly died when I got COVID.
The grief of losing safety - I avoided catching COVID for three years and when I did, it hijacked my mind and altered my ability to function at my optimum level. (rude, right?)
It has been fifteen weeks, since testing negative for COVID. And as I’m writing this now, I am realizing that I’m in the fifteenth week of recovery after getting a virus that has killed more than three million people globally (according to the World Health Organization). Maybe it does make sense that it’s taking an agonizingly long time to feel like my pre-COVID self? Where would I be had I not been vaccinated?
I think I need to accept that this is the way it is for now, instead of fighting against something I don’t have any control over. I need to sit with this grief and accept that starting over again is the only recourse I have. October 2023 was successful for me and March 2024 can be as well.
Last night during our walk, Grant said that since we met, he’s known me to be stainless steel and a rubber band. When my head’s in the game, I’m tough and no matter how many times I’m pulled I snap back. Through this experience, Ash might see me and himself in a similar way.
Now that I have a word to work with - grief - and I’ve identified the causes of it, I can plan a course of action to rebuild my health goals.
Wish me luck!
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