Why Can’t You Assume Good Intentions? Pt. 2
I was impressionable and I wanted to believe that people had my best interest.
March 6, 2024 | 11:05 PM
Created in Canva Pro by me :) This one by far is my favorite design yet!
Back in October 2023, I posted an article about a conversation I had with my sister-in-law which prompted the question, “why don’t you assume good intentions?” It prompted me to think deeply about her question.
I think beginning my career at seventeen years old working behind-the-scenes in the Las Vegas entertainment industry shaped the way I perceive certain people today. I have survived many egos, malicious back-stabbers who either took credit for my work or stole my concepts, and men who sexually harassed me or touched me inappropriately. Those experiences combined with navigating the Las Vegas dating scene through my late twenties solidified why I don’t assume good intentions from people.
The industry exposed me to a lot of situations and encounters I wasn’t prepared to navigate or understand. And when I did make a report of any racial, gender or sexual inappropriateness, I was devastated that no one had my back. It was the nineties in Vegas. The only “me too” movement was happening in my mind or in whatever screenplay I was writing. And when I did make a report of any racial, gender or sexual inappropriateness, I was devastated that no one had my back.
My dad (may his memory be a blessing) did his absolute best to prepare me for situations I would experience in my career. Notice that I didn’t say “might experience.” Working as a security guard at a high-end hotel on the famous Las Vegas Strip back in the days when they could carry a firearm, my dad saw it all. In the 70s through the 90s, he body-guarded entertainers and celebrities, dealt with patrons who harassed table dealers and cocktail waitresses, and assisted with shocking scenes reported by housekeeping, just to name a few.
Along with witnessing a lot of the situations that young women endured from those in positions of power over them, he had to navigate an environment where he was the Oriental or Jap or whatever derogatory / racist words men of that era used. And now I was going to be working with local entertainers and national celebrities, famous musicians, politicians, journalists - people that would be in positions of power over me and could take racism to an adult level I had never experienced before. (Gosh, that imagery must’ve been really stressful for my dad :-/)
But I was impressionable and I wanted to believe that people had my best interest. Part of me wanted to prove my dad wrong and show him that he was being paranoid (remember, I was really young). And when bad things did happened, I couldn’t tell him. He was a man who would’ve had some guys join him to put vengeance on anyone who touched me inappropriately. No doubt he would’ve gone to prison for murder. Seriously.
I think those experiences shaped whether or not I assume good intentions from a person. It truly depends on the situation, or circumstance, or the people involved. I don’t live my daily life thinking that the random people I come into contact with or my friends have it out for me.
However, if I am treated in a manner that I’m not okay with by the same person over and over again, then how can I assume good intentions from that person? Especially if I talk to them about their behavior and they keep doing it? Obviously, they don’t care, so yeah I’m not gonna assume good intentions. I’m gonna tread with caution.
For example, I had a few family members who I would reach out to for advice. It was my way of letting them know that I valued their wisdom and insight. After I would share my concern, instead of receiving a response with compassion and helpful advice, I would receive brash, dismissive, demoralizing comments that were often attacking in nature. After too many attempts to connect, I decided to stop reaching out in that way.
I had allowed myself to hope for a better experience or outcome, only to be left holding a bag full of disappointment. Inevitably, I would get hurt again, and feel so incredibly stupid that I held hope that this time would be different and the next time would be different, and the next time.
A few months ago, I had a very intense and angry conversation with someone and, of course, Ash heard just about every word I said. He even complimented me on my bad word combinations. He was curious about what happened and asked, “Mom, why be friends with them then? Why keep them in your life if they make you feel like that?”
I explained that when it comes to friendship, sometimes there are quirks in a relationship that I might not like, but it’s not worth throwing away the friendship. I probably have quirks that annoy them too!
There are a lot of great attributes that I admire in that particular friend or family member, but I am still cautious in what I choose to share. Sometimes, people struggle to listen to what you’re saying and can’t help themselves from jumping in to solve your problem or their response sounds accusatory and demeaning.
And when it comes to family, depending on the circumstance, it’s better to preserve the family dynamic for the sake of those who would be hurt by a family break-up.
My mom would always tell me and still tells me to this day that no matter what, you have to have hope. “Do not lose hope. Without hope there’s nothing to keep you going. Hope gives you something to live for.”
I still do hold out hope for a better connection with certain friends and family members. But I don’t let myself get to the point where I feel like a fool for having hope. I’m just cautious and hopeful.