Never Apologize For Doing The Right Thing
What kind of people are raising your child’s friends?
November 15, 2023 | 12:26 AM
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Having a young kid and being out and about made talking over the phone difficult. Texting made it easier to carry on conversations - no background noise, no side conversations happening to make you feel like your phone mate is being distracted and not listening to you, plus you can text just about anywhere and have an open conversation without anyone eavesdropping.
I do have friends that I talk to over the phone, however, it’s not often. And when my friends ask if I have time to talk, I know something’s up.
My friend Elissa, Els for short, texted last evening asking if I had some time to talk. She got COVID for the first time a week before I did, also my first time. Her husband and son are on a trip out of the country and she decided to stay home, because she’s still very winded from COVID. I thought maybe she needed something, since she’s by herself and still feeling crappy.
Els called me with a quiver in her voice. Must be all the coughing from COVID. I didn’t realize it at first, but she was crying. She’s never cried with me before and I felt honored that she trusted me with this vulnerable side of herself.
Els and I have been friends since our boys were in kindergarten together. Now they are in middle school together and will be entering high school together next year.
She and I first met on the playground after school, while our sons were running around getting their energy out. It was no effort for us to connect. We just hit it off and have been friends ever since.
Els is the kind of person you know you can trust and will have your back or will be there for you should you need a friend. One of the things that stands out to me about her is her social awareness. Being Asian, I look to make friends with people who are aware of social injustice for people of color. And you wouldn’t know it by looking at her, but Els is actually half Latina.
I remember the evening when she told me. We were having dinner at our favorite restaurant. Els and I were having a lively discussion about white privilege. She mentioned that if her son marked Hispanic on an application, they’d think he was lying.
“Wait, Leigh is part Hispanic?,” I quizzically asked as I shoved a piece of buttermilk fried chicken drenched in lime crème sauce into my mouth.
“Yeah, I’m half Mexican, but you’d never know it with this dirty blond hair and pale skin.” She took a bite of her salmon drizzled with balsamic glaze and giggled. “Makes for an interesting moment after someone makes a comment about brown people and I’m like, ‘so… by the way…’.”
This time, there were no giggles. Only hurt and disappointment in her voice. She shared with me that she had been going through a lot this past month at the non-profit company she helped build. Els had been navigating a sea of racial inequity, nepotism, and sexual harassment at her job. While on a video conference call, the boss inadvertently made her racial biases clear to the team. Damage control was deployed, but it was too late. Taking a stand for her team, Els went to the Board of Directors with documentation to support the racial inequities voiced by her black and brown teammates, along with proof of nepotistic behavior and sexual harassment.
She has been on paid administrative leave going on three weeks now, while an investigation is underway as she recovers from COVID alone in her home. Els is cycling through anxiety not knowing if she will have a job, if she should be looking for another one, when her physical strength will return, when she can go back to the gym or even go outside to run, if her son and husband are safe on their trip. All of this anxiety is making her feel depressed and it’s just so many unknowns to process, in addition to recovering from COVID.
Els is a whistleblower and she had the courage to take a stand for what is right. She said that there was no way she could not report this to the Board after knowing what she knows. What would that say about her if she didn’t speak up? How could she not question her identity?
As much as I wanted to give Els advice, it wasn’t the time. She needed to be heard and seen. She needed me to be an ear and I was happy to be that friend.
. . . . .
I’ve been thinking about Els. I’ve been laying in bed since 11:30 pm, worried about her. Waiting for the morning to tell her how fortunate I am to have her as a friend. As an ally. I want to tell her that speaking up for her team was brave and took courage, especially knowing the backlash that was to come. If only I had an Elsbeth when I was coming up in my career, to take a stand against racial inequality, nepotism, and sexual harassment in the workplace! Her team wasn’t left alone to deal with this. Els was their leader and she took their fight to the Board of Directors for justice.
I feel so inspired by what she is bravely going through. And I’m so proud and blessed to have her as a friend. And I feel grateful that her son, Ash’s friend, is being nurtured by a mom with steadfast conviction.
I think I’ll tell her this in the morning:
Els, never apologize for doing the right thing. This situation will pass, but your conviction will last forever. When you look in the mirror, you know who you are and what you're made of. Your path is righteous. They cannot remove you from it.
I’ll give her a call in the morning and if the mood is right, I’ll share with her what I wrote. If not, then I’ll text it to her. I think it’s important she hears this either way.