I Fell Into The “Fix-It” Trap… Again (2 of 3)

August 22, 2023 | 1:18 PM

Created in Canva Pro by me :)

This graphic is in reference to the English Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme.

Just got back from my doctor’s appointment. I’ve been having issues with my right foot which he believes to be “drop-foot”. At any given time, my foot will seize. I’m unable to flex it or stand on it. And forget about walking or even taking a step. Shooting ice pick pain pierces various areas of my foot - the top where the foot connects to the shin, the Achilles, under the flat part of my foot, and on either side of the ankle joint. Sometimes all of this happens at once. The scary part for me is when the pain is so severe, I cannot put any pressure on my foot. So to get around, I have to take a step with my left leg and then drag my right leg behind me. I call it “zombie walking”.

As my doctor and I wrapped up our discussion, he complimented me on keeping up my bubbly, effervescent, out-going personality, especially while I’m dealing with this issue. That really took me by surprise. If he only knew the morning I had with Ash, the worry I have with the struggles he’s going through with school (and it’s only the 7th day of the new year), the isolation I feel at the moment with Grant being in Vegas for a work conference and I can’t talk to him about the morning I experienced with Ash and I’m swimming in my head about what to say to our son, on top of the frustration I have that I’m really exhausted and want to take a nap but I can’t because I need to get myself on a better sleep schedule, and on and on and on…

It was time to begin my spinal therapy session. In my routine, I start off on a decompression table which is designed to relieve the pressure on my lumbar spine where I have bulging discs. It’s not painful at all. So I’m laying there and thinking about my conversation with Ash this morning and how it all played out and what I could’ve done better.

So, this is how I fell into the “fix-it” trap… again.

7:45 AM

Ash and I ate our oatmeal accompanied with Applegate Chicken-Sage Breakfast Sausage. We like to try new foods together and rate the taste and texture. We both liked it, but it does leave a salty tingling feeling on the tip of my tongue. We watched the trailer for the new episodic Star Wars show called Ahsoka and he refreshed my memory about which characters came from the Star Wars Clone Wars series and Star Wars Rebels series. Usually we don’t watch anything on school mornings, but I made an exception because we were having a good morning.

7:55 AM

While Ash was putting his socks on, I thought it would be a good time to check Google Classroom to see what his assignments were for the week. I didn’t think it would become an issue, because all last week Ash told me that he didn’t have any homework assignments that were due. Well to my disappointed surprise he did have assignments. He has 6 periods: history, English, math, PE, science, and drama. I opened up the history assignment and it’s labeled “missing”. It was due on Thursday the 17th. Today is Tuesday the 22nd. Fuck. English has no assignments. Math - “please read the welcome letter with a parent or guardian and then complete this form.” Due on the 25th. Next math assignment post yesterday and due by 11:59 PM tonight - “write down one positive math experience and one negative math experience.” I stopped here. Ash lied about homework AGAIN and it’s only the 7th day of 8th grade!!!

8:00 AM

I shoot straight away to Ash’s room and confronted him about his assignments.

Me: “Why have you been telling us that you have no homework when it’s posted in Google Classroom?!?” (Maybe I could’ve worded it as a question: did you know that you have assignments in Google Classroom from last week?)

Ash: “I didn’t hear my teacher say that we had assignments.”

Me: “But you know you’re supposed to check it everyday after school.”

Ash: “I haven’t because…”

Me: “That wasn’t our agreement, Ash. You know you’re supposed to check it everyday whether you think you have homework or not.” (I’m angry cuz this is happening again and I know my tone is aggressive. I feel lied to again and deceived again and it’s only the 7th day of school!)

Ash: “Mom… it’s the second week of school and I’m getting adjusted…”

Me: “Don’t give me that. I think it’s because you’d rather do your own thing.” (There I am being accusatory and making assumptions based on patterns from previous school years… again.)

Ash: “Mom… it’s just… you know… this isn’t the time for us to get into this. I’ve just been feeling down lately.”

Me: “About what?” (Is this gonna be more lies, deflection, telling me something just to soften me up cuz he knows I’m hella hot right now?)

Ash: “It’s just that you know how I feel about dogs and I’ve been around so many over the last few weeks and it feels nice.” (His tone is somber and he’s fighting his tears and now I feel like an a-hole… again.)

Me: “I thought being around dogs and having the opportunity to interact with them would make you feel happy. Kinda fill that void.”

Ash: “It did. I feel really happy but then I feel sad, because I would be a good dog owner and I’ve been waiting for us to buy a house so I can have a dog and that was supposed to happen like in 3rd grade and now I’m in 8th grade and almost in high school and we don’t have a house and I don’t have a dog and it makes me feel really sad.”

Me: “Oh babe, I wish you would’ve told me. I’m sorry you’re going through this.”

Ash: “I just put on a smile and act happy but on then inside I’m really sad. And then I make you and dad upset and then I feel even worse inside.”

We hugged and in the most reassuring voice I could muster I said it will be okay and that we could talk about it more after school. Fricken-heck. I really need to lean on Grant right now, but I’m not going to text him while he’s busy producing a show for the company he works for. I just cannot allow myself to be selfish and vent about my day only to leave him feeling helpless, unable to do anything while he’s away. I know he feels like this cuz we’ve talked about it and I need to have self-control. Writing about helps, thus my All Thumbs Parenting blog exists.

We arrived at school and before Ash got out of the car, I let him know that I was proud of him for sharing with me how he was feeling. I also acknowledged that I know it was painful and it was probably hard to talk about it with me. But these are the type of concerns I want him to talk to me about, so I can help him through it. Ash was grateful that I said that and off he went.

*****

I’ll be picking him up in 35 minutes. I’m so anxious and really want to approach this topic of him being on-top of his homework in an upbeat and positive tone. I plan on making us smoothies as an afternoon snack, when we get home. Ash really likes them.