I Fell Into The “Fix-It” Trap… Again (1 of 3)
August 22, 2023 | 9:51 AM
Created in Canva Pro by me :)
This graphic is in reference to the English Humpty Dumpty nursery rhyme.
I took some time to let my untimely conversation with Ash settle in by knocking out grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s. I like shopping there around 8:30 in the morning, because there aren’t many people there, most of the items I buy are stocked, and the store layout is aesthetically pleasing and well organized. The vibe at my Trader’s is cheerful and friendly. Plus in a small town like mine, you’ll most likely bump into someone you know or someone you don’t know will pay you a random compliment or make small talk.
“I like your bag,“ commented a woman pushing her cart past me as I selected a package of hot Italian sausage.
“Thank you! SF Chinatown. Canton Bazaar. Well made. No complaints,” I enthusiastically responded. Well that was a nice interruption to the mental conversation going on in my head.
This mental conversation has plagued me every school year and I’m so sick and tired of it. I can’t fix it. I can’t make it better for Ash or for Grant or for me. I have no control over the situation - only control over my timing to have a deep and serious conversation with Ash, my reaction, and the advice I give to him. And, yet again in true Danni fashion, I went into fix-it mode because:
(Cue the effervescent music, the bubble machine, and pastel colored lighting)
I can resolve Ash’s worries by the time I drop him off to school. He will feel happy and relieved of his worries and concerns and that will be one thing to check off the list that has been resolved. Now he will be free of this issue FOREVER and Ash can continue his day as the shiny-happy-kid that he is.
Yes, in my mind I believe that I can do all of that in an extremely short amount of time and when I fail I feel like I’ve fucked up my son even more and now he feels even worse because he’s reading my self-loathing as a reflection upon himself.
UGH… and I know this to be true because Ash and I have talked about it before. Many times. And I’ve told him many times that I would work on my timing for when we have these type of conversations. And many times, like today, I fall into the trap of impatience and fix-it mode.
Gotta head to my doctor appointment now. More later…
What I learned:
It’s not about “me”: Me trying to “fix” everything deprives Ash from learning how to solve problems on his own. It inhibits his critical thinking skills which are an important survival mechanism.
Trust: As his parent, I have to continue building a safe space where Ash feels he can openly share his thoughts and feelings with me. It’s crucial now, because he’s a teenager going into high school next year. This is when teens confide less in their parents.