Zero Is Better Than One
My irresponsibility directly affected an accomplishment Ash was striving for.
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Another gem from the archives. I wrote this on January 14, 2019 at 8:29am. Ash was 8 and in the 3rd grade.
Has your kid ever told you to your face that you let them down? That they had a goal and you ruined it? Let me tell you, it’s such a crap feeling. I messed up. Badly. And it truly was my fault.
. . . . .
It was 1:37am by the time I put my phone down on the nightstand. I was caught up in that sleepy stubbornness of trying to stay awake, all the while knowing that I would be regretting this decision when the alarm goes off in five hours.
It seemed like only moments passed between closing my eyes and the alarm going off. Ugh, just a few snoozes and I’ll get up I said to myself. Again, it went off and again I tapped snooze. I don’t know how many times I repeated that ill-fated dance, until I realized that Ash and I both had overslept.
7:45am! Twenty-five minutes till we needed to roll out of the house. We both tiredly got out of bed and tried our best to be ready when my “time to leave” alarm went off at 8:10am. Luckily, Ash’s school is on the next block, so we are allotted some wiggle room to leave our place at 8:15.
Just as I was about to scoop his favorite Japanese Fried Rice from Trader Joe’s into his container for lunch, the 8:10am alarm went off. WHAT?!? I wasn’t even dressed and Ash was still eating his breakfast. As I threw some clothes on and passed some mascara onto my lashes, Ash put on his backpack and walked down the stairs. I quickly followed behind him. We were greeted by the sound of the first bell, a melodic bom-bom-bom xylophone sound effect letting us know that it was 8:15am. We got in the car and proceeded towards school.
Ash: “Mom, where are all the kids?”
Me: “Is it assembly day where you guys meet up by the portables?”
Ash: “No, that’s on Tuesday. Today is Monday.”
His classroom is located on the same side of the street that we live on. I pulled up and we noticed that the door to his classroom just closed.
Ash: “Mom, that wasn’t the first bell! It was was the second! I’m late! I’ll have to get a late slip!”
Me: “I’ll drive you around the corner to the office so you don’t have to walk.”
Ash whispered thank you. I looked at him in the rear view mirror and saw the disappointment across his face. I reached out to him and he retracted.
Ash: “I know you didn’t mean to make me late, Mom. It’s not your fault.”
Me: “It is my fault, Ash, because I went to sleep late and woke up late.”
As Ash unbuckled his seatbelt and proceeded to exit the car, he took a deep sigh and emphatically stated, “Well, there goes my perfect record of not getting a late slip this year.” At that moment, it felt like a ton of bricks fell onto my chest. Damnit.
Me: “Oh, I didn’t know that you were going for a perfect record. I’m really happy to know that you have set goals for yourself and that being on time for school is important to you!”
Ash: “Well, it doesn’t matter now. Guess I’ll have to wait for next year and try again now that this year’s ruined.”
Me: (in the most upbeat and hopeful tone I could muster) “At least this is the first one of the school year. And we can try to make it the last one.”
And without missing a beat he responded with “zero is better than one.” Then he gently shut the car door and walked up to the office.
I despise myself right now. My irresponsibility directly affected an accomplishment Ash was striving for. And now that opportunity is wrecked. By me. His mom. Ash makes such an effort every morning to get to school on time. And if I had paid any attention to the conversations we have on the short drive to school, I would’ve realized that avoiding a late slip was a big deal to him. Every day when we arrive at school he says “whew, I’m not gonna get a late slip today.” Obviously, he was communicating his goal to me and I was too wrapped up in my thoughts of what I needed to get done at the office to notice.
. . . . .
Later that evening after work, I picked him up from his Brazilian jiu-jitsu afterschool program. The coaches pick-up the kids from school and take a short walk back to the studio.
Ash looked serious and was not his usual exuberant self.
Me: “How was your day, babe?”
Ash: “It’s been a hard day. Nothing has worked the way I wanted it.”
Me: “What happened?”
Ash: “Remember? This morning? I got to school late and had to get a late slip?”
Me: “Oh… yes, I do remember. I’ve been thinking about it all day. Did something else happen at school or during BJJ class that upset your day? You said nothing has worked the way you want it.”
Ash: “No, just that I got to school late and had to get a late slip. That all. School was fine. Jiu Jitsu was fine.”
Gaaaaaaaaawd, this was the first time he held on to an emotion that began in the morning and then continued into the evening.
After we got home and settled in, I sat on the couch next to him to do some office work. I knew I needed to respond to what happened this morning, but I was afraid of making the situation worse. He looked at me and said “Mom, it’s okay. I’ll get over it.”
Me: “Ash, I understand how you feel. When I was around your age, I was on track to having perfect attendance for the school year. That meant that I did not miss one day of school. I was weeks away from the end of the school year and guess what? I got sick and missed five days or more of school.”
Ash gently rubbed my arm and said, “So you know how it feels?” I nodded and he hugged me. “Mom, I know it was an accident. I forgive you. Can we please not let that happen again?”
My eyes began to tear and I embraced him, expressing how sorry I was that I let my irresponsibility interfere with his goal of not getting a late slip. I promised that I would make more of an effort of responsible by going to bed earlier and waking up on time. Ash assured me that he knows I will do my best and said, “We will help each other.”
What I learned
Kids have goals too: Grant and I always talk with Ash about goal-setting. What’s your goal for the day? Let’s set a goal to be in bed by 8pm. Let’s read a short bedtime story every night. What’s your goal with this pile of Legos - to build a spaceship or make a car? Our goals have been focused on stuff around his living environment. It didn’t occur to me that Ash would have goals regarding his attendance at school.
Practice what I preach: It makes me look like a hypocrite telling Ash he needs to go to bed early so he wakes up on time, when I get into a bad habit of not doing it myself.
Holding on to the hurt: I was really surprised that Ash held on to that feeling of disappointment all day. He usually moves on from whatever has upset him, but not today. And not something this important to him like perfect attendance. It made me realize that even at the age of 8, Ash has goals and when something (or someone) messes it up, it’s a hurt that he can’t easily get over.
Self-awareness: I wanted so badly to resolve the issue, while we were still in the car before he went to the office to get his late slip. I needed the peace of mind that comes from knowing that he wasn’t going to start his school day with disappointment and sadness. This delayed him even more. And now I realize that it’s not about my peace of mind, but about his peace of mind.