We Don’t Want to Break Her Spirit
Anything that seems negative can be turned into something positive.
April 16, 2024 | 8:47 PM
My Sweet Girl, age 3, at the beach for the first time.
A few weeks ago we celebrated Easter with my niece and nephew, while my brother took my sister-in-law on a date for her birthday. My scrumptious baby nephew is almost six months old, full of smiles, and he has more baby rolls on his body - I wanna eat him up! His older sister calls him “Baby Brother Princess.”
I call my niece “My Sweet Girl.” When I think of her, I hear Dave Matthews Band singing their song “One Sweet World.” Look it up - it’s a great song!
At almost 4 years-old, My Sweet Girl is a force to be reckoned with. If she doesn’t want or like something, she will speak up for herself. She’s not shy or intimidated to tell you how she feels.
I really admire that in her. The tone in how she expresses her feelings needs a little softening and with time she will get there (she’s only three!). One thing is for sure, you know exactly where she stands with the boundaries she has set for herself and you better watch out if you cross it! (I ❤️ her!)
When I saw My Sweet Girl on that Happy Birthday to Mommy - Wife - Aunty - Sister-in-Law / Baby Brother Princess’s First Easter Sunday, I tried to give her a hug and kisses and she firmly stated, “I don’t want you to touch me. No, I don’t want you to give me kisses now.”
I will admit, being on the receiving end of her blunt statements left me feeling rejected and hurt. As I was processing this interaction, I remembered a conversation I had with the director of the early childhood educational preschool I taught at back in the late 2000s.
We were discussing a particular student who was very demanding and wanted her way all the time. She was confident and expressed herself very well, however, her behavior got her labeled as a stubborn child by her mother and other teachers.
“Goldie is a very stubborn child and we don’t want to break her spirit, especially since she’s a girl.” I was really confused why the director thought this way. We don’t want to break her spirit?
“But aren’t we supposed to break them from that, because it’s disrespectful? She’s not doing what we want her to do and she’s talking back to the teachers,” I inquired.
“No, because anything that’s a negative can be turned into a positive. Being stubborn can be a good thing as long as that stubbornness is redirected into a positive direction. Stubbornness can be used in situations of survival, working towards a goal, getting ahead in life.”
What?!? I had never heard of this. I thought that being stubborn or talking back was a bad trait that had to be broken. Being compliant was favored. That’s what being a well-behaved child looks like, right. This is what I was taught at home, at school, and in the workforce.
“Well, if the child is sassing you and being outright rude, well that’s one thing. But if a child is advocating for themselves and setting boundaries, then that’s something that should be encouraged. For girls, this is a way to establish no means no.”
Over the years since then, I’ve researched the the importance of teaching kids at a young age how to set boundaries and that a behavior is neither good or bad or positive or negative, until it is set with an intention.
For example, most of us have experienced being forced to give a family member or family friend some form of physical contact. “Don’t make them feel bad by not (fill in the blank). You’ll hurt their feelings if you don’t let them hold you. Why are you embarrassing me by not (fill in physical affection here)?”
From an early age, most people of my generation have been taught to compromise our boundaries to protect the feelings of others. We learn to make exceptions to our own rules, downplay our gut feelings just so the other person doesn’t feel bad.
How fortunate is it for our youth to have the opportunity to develop their sense of self. To be encouraged to self-advocate. To be empowered to set boundaries and not resign themselves to sacrificing their principles just to oblige the wants of someone else.
Yet what some adults may deem as disrespect or rudeness, I see as the early stages of My Sweet Girl developing her confidence in advocating for herself and establishing boundaries. Knowing what she wants, when she wants something, or how she wants to be treated demonstrates self-awareness.
If Grant and I were to have given Ash a sister, I’d want her to be bold and confident like My Sweet Girl. Her fierce warrior spirit is rooted deeply, just like her self-awareness of her own boundaries.
I’m so happy to be part of her life and to have the opportunity to partake in nurturing who she will be.