Invisible
January 26, 2022 | 10:34 PM
Image by Eduardo Goody
Last night was bittersweet… more bitter than sweet actually. A family member with whom I’ve made an effort to have a deeper relationship with for almost 20 years made it very clear to me that I need to stop making the effort and to move on. The worst part is that the incident, from beginning to end, unfolded in front of Ash. He clearly understood what was happening, because he asked me what happened and said he was proud of me for not losing my shit. (The cute part was that he asked permission to say a bad word)
Navigating relationships and friendships with blended families can be challenging at times, especially when groups come together for celebratory events. Tonight was about Grant and his special day and how happy he was feeling.
After taking pictures and giving hugs and kisses and saying “I love you”, we went home. Grant said this was the best 40th birthday. I do feel proud of myself for holding my composure and getting through the night. I really hope that I modeled resilience for Ash. In these types of situations, one needs to remain focused on the person being honored and not focused on the incident that takes the focus away from them.
While Grant was asleep next to me (I was wide awake), I began to write what I like to call “freeverse.” I used to write a lot between the ages of 13 through my late 20’s. I hear music when I write as well. Below is what I wrote. Hope it makes sense.
And to be clear, this freeverse isn’t about Grant. It’s about the person who hurt my heart.
Written to the melody of “It Cuts Both Ways” sung by Gloria Estefan
Invisible
To your eyes
I don’t exist
I’m just another person
In the mix
On the outside
Trying to look in
Trying to get
A glimpse
Some insight
A confirmation
That this is not
Who you truly are.
Maybe this is you
Unreachable
An exterior
That’s hard
And tried and true
You let me in then
Push me away
There is never a day
Where I know where I stand
A friend today
An eye roll
Or a nuisance the next
Maybe I’m making our relationship
More complex
Yet I hold out for hope
That you’ll eventually see me
And make some time for us.
Till that day
I am invisible
You only see me
As a marital accessory
If up to you
You’d not chose me
But for the love of kin
You’ll fake your sincerity
And begrudge the time
You have to spend with me.
Maybe it’s silly me
For holding out hope
And not giving up
For a friendship
With a deeper meaning
Knowing that your sword and shield
Will be guarding your vulnerability
Your suit of armor
Protecting your skin
So thin
And all you feel
You chose to destroy
Instead of letting it heal
All of your wounds
That continue to bleed.
You say you love me
As you call me family
I think they are words
You feel you have to say
Maybe I should feel for you
Having to fake your way
Through your life each day
Disconnected
From who you wish you could be
And struggling with who you truly are.
I am invisible
Maybe this is where I need to be
Maybe it’s safer here
And I need to see
That being invisible to you
Is the better place for me
To exist without your cruelty
Or your dismissive reminders
Of my invisibility.