Invisible

January 26, 2022 | 10:34 PM

 

Last night was bittersweet… more bitter than sweet actually. A family member with whom I’ve made an effort to have a deeper relationship with for almost 20 years made it very clear to me that I need to stop making the effort and to move on. The worst part is that the incident, from beginning to end, unfolded in front of Ash. He clearly understood what was happening, because he asked me what happened and said he was proud of me for not losing my shit. (The cute part was that he asked permission to say a bad word)

Navigating relationships and friendships with blended families can be challenging at times, especially when groups come together for celebratory events. Tonight was about Grant and his special day and how happy he was feeling.

After taking pictures and giving hugs and kisses and saying “I love you”, we went home. Grant said this was the best 40th birthday. I do feel proud of myself for holding my composure and getting through the night. I really hope that I modeled resilience for Ash. In these types of situations, one needs to remain focused on the person being honored and not focused on the incident that takes the focus away from them.

While Grant was asleep next to me (I was wide awake), I began to write what I like to call “freeverse.” I used to write a lot between the ages of 13 through my late 20’s. I hear music when I write as well. Below is what I wrote. Hope it makes sense.

And to be clear, this freeverse isn’t about Grant. It’s about the person who hurt my heart.

 

Written to the melody of “It Cuts Both Ways” sung by Gloria Estefan

Invisible 

To your eyes 

I don’t exist

I’m just another person 

In the mix

On the outside 

Trying to look in

Trying to get 

A glimpse  

Some insight 

A confirmation 

That this is not

Who you truly are. 

Maybe this is you

Unreachable 

An exterior 

That’s hard

And tried and true

You let me in then 

Push me away

There is never a day 

Where I know where I stand

A friend today

An eye roll 

Or a nuisance the next

Maybe I’m making our relationship

More complex 

Yet I hold out for hope 

That you’ll eventually see me 

And make some time for us. 

Till that day

I am invisible 

You only see me 

As a marital accessory 

If up to you

You’d not chose me 

But for the love of kin

You’ll fake your sincerity

And begrudge the time

You have to spend with me. 

Maybe it’s silly me

For holding out hope 

And not giving up 

For a friendship 

With a deeper meaning

Knowing that your sword and shield 

Will be guarding your vulnerability 

Your suit of armor 

Protecting your skin 

So thin

And all you feel 

You chose to destroy 

Instead of letting it heal

All of your wounds

That continue to bleed.

You say you love me 

As you call me family

I think they are words

You feel you have to say

Maybe I should feel for you

Having to fake your way 

Through your life each day 

Disconnected 

From who you wish you could be

And struggling with who you truly are. 

I am invisible 

Maybe this is where I need to be

Maybe it’s safer here 

And I need to see

That being invisible to you

Is the better place for me

To exist without your cruelty 

Or your dismissive reminders

Of my invisibility. 

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