Too Hot To Handle
Sometimes it’s better to stop talking and let your child have their meltdown.
May 27, 2020 | 11:17 PM | COVID-19 SIP Day 66
Ash (5th grade, age 10) finally getting some sleep.
Snuggles, my sweet boy.
Heat: The condition or quality of being hot; to excite emotionally
Right now, Ash is in his room crying because I hurt his feelings. It’s a hot night. His room was hot. Grant and I turned on his portable AC and his room began to cool off. After I got myself ready for bed, I checked in on him before turning in. He was sitting up in his bed lamenting how hot it was. Begging to sleep with us. But our room was no better.
I thought to myself that this might be an opportunity to implement a visualization exercise. First, I acknowledged how hot it was in his room. Second, I tried to teach him that this situation has a solution.
Me: “Ash, you have a wonderful imagination. Imagine the heat rising off your body as a cool breeze washes over you. The breeze can be all shades of blue. Tell yourself that the heat is leaving your body. Tell your body how nice and cool it feels.”
Ash: “I CAN’T DO THAT BECAUSE I’M SO FREAKING HOT!”
Me: “I understand, Babe. That’s why this is a great time to try this.”
Ash: “BUT I’M SO. FREAKING. HOT!”
Me: “You’re hot. I get it. And the more frustrated and wound up and pissed off you’re getting the hotter you’re going to get. You’re in control of how you feel. Think about the shows you watch with Sensei Wu (Ninjago) and Master Splinter (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). They meditate and use their mind to calm themselves. They control how they are feeling. You can...”
Ash: “Mom. I want to do that. But it’s so hot and I can’t cool off.”
Me: “I’m really trying here, Ash. It’s eleven and you have school tomorrow, I have work, and we both need to sleep.”
I leaned in to kiss him goodnight and he flipped out. “Wait, you’re leaving me?!? It’s dark. You know I’m afraid of the dark. How can I sleep!!!”
Me: “Your blinds are open. You can see me and I can see you. We both have to sleep.”
He rolls over on his side facing away from me. Then he pulled the covers on himself.
Me: “I thought you were hot so why are you pulling the covers over?”
Ash: “I DON’T KNOW! I’M HOT AND I JUST DON’T KNOW RIGHT NOW OKAY!
I got up from his bed and walked out of his room. As I closed the door he asked me to leave the door open.
Out of frustration for having to repeat myself for the seventh time I barked at him that if I leave his door open then all of the cold air from the AC will come out. I said it so many times tonight at bedtime, this afternoon, this morning, yesterday all day, and the day before that and the night before that.
He started crying and I just didn’t know what to do so I closed the door and here I am. When I’m wound up like this I feel like an asshole. I get it, he’s a kid that needs to hear something over and over again before it clicks and sticks. And when I lose patience with him, even though I know he’s that type of learner, I feel like a terrible person.
Grant reminds me that I’m human and all of these feelings are normal. He tells me, “I’m a person who doesn’t like to repeat herself.” He goes on to tell me that there’s only so much patience that a person has before they’ve had enough. And I do give Ash warnings that I’m reaching my limit so he should change his behavior before I get upset. I didn’t give any warnings tonight.
Now Grant is next to me peacefully asleep snoring away. I’m awake and feeling like a jerk. And I want to check in on Ash but I’m afraid that if he’s up it will trigger the same song and dance.
Most times I don’t know if he’s truly afraid of the dark. Maybe he’s convinced himself that he is. Honestly, it seems like he uses that as an excuse to have me in his room with him at bedtime. And while I enjoy the bonding time we have when we snuggle in his bed together and talk about random stuff, lately I just need time to myself. I’m tired. He’s tired. It’s freaking hot.
Maybe I need to schedule bedtime snuggles. Maybe every Monday and Wednesday night it’s Bedtime Snuggles with Ash. He still wants me to sing to him and tuck him in and check on him every five to ten minutes. And I do check on him. Which led to this hot mess tonight.
I strongly dislike the disconnection I feel with him. It is now 12:06 AM, May 28th. I’m gonna check in on him then lay in bed visualizing that I am asleep.
UPDATE: 12:09 AM. Ash is asleep under the covers. He is sweaty. His room has cooled off. I sat next to him for a few minutes and whispered my love and blessings to him. I hope in a few hours that we will have a better day and evening.
What I learned
Not another “teaching moment:” Not every situation needs to be a “teaching moment.” After proofing what I wrote, I can see how dumb I was to reason. I wanted to give it a try, but should’ve stopped sooner than later. I now realize how annoying I must’ve been trying to talk logically to a very tired and totally checked out fussy kid. Maybe next time I’ll simply agree with him that it’s hot and sit with him till he calms down and falls asleep.
Patience and compassion: Even though it was a very tense moment for us two, I spoke and responded to him in a calm tone instead of my usual reactive tone when I’m overly tired. I wanted him to know that he was being heard and that I understood why he wanted to sleep with us.
My truth: The truth is that I really like snuggling with Ash. We have the best heart-to-heart talks when we’re in bed together. He usually answers my questions as he’s drifting off to sleep. He loves it when I sing to him, play a visualization game with him, or ask him to tell me one thing he learned about himself today. I love snuggling him (unless he’s sweaty)!