No Pets Allowed
“Pleeeeeease, can we have a dog? If we get a dog then I won’t be so lonely.”
January 22, 2020 | 11:18 PM
This photo was taken in May 2019 in the small town of McCloud, CA. We stopped by their museum and Ash spent an hour playing fetch with this sweet dog. We try to let him spend time with dogs whenever the opportunity arises. It’s always bittersweet.
I think most kids go through the phase of wanting a pet. Ash has wanted a dog since he was five. Every few months he goes through a cycle where he will heavily sob every single day longing for a dog. Grant and I believe a dog would be therapeutic for Ash and a dog would be greatly loved by him.
Unfortunately, we live in an apartment with a “no pets” policy. His deep, heavy sobs coupled with laments about our “mean landlord not even giving [him] the chance to prove he would be a good dog owner” is a heartbreaker. There’s no escaping this and it is painfully crippling each time it comes up.
Usually on school days, I will rub Ash’s back and wake him up with a sing-songy voice. On this particular school morning, Ash began waking up with a smile calling out to his dog then simultaneously contorting his face into absolute horror as he realized he was coming out of his dream. He was desperately trying to get back to his dog and not wake up. There was such agony on his face and it gave me such a sinking feeling of despair. With a deep fervor, Ash angrily and painfully cried out, “I was with my dog and then I woke up and my dog wasn't there. It wasn’t real! My dog wasn’t REAL!”
Grant was at the office today, so I had to navigate this and bring Ash back to a place of balance all before school began in 45 minutes.
. . . . .
It was a very tough morning and the rest of his day wasn’t any better. The coach at his after school program did not see my email stating that I added $20 to Ash’s account so he could buy snacks (I let Ash know I did this before I dropped him off at school. He asked to call me so I could verify the $20, but the coach said no. Once we got home and he was finally relaxing, Ash realized that his coach forgot to return to him the container holding his removable palate expander. I emailed his coach and asked to put his expensive item in a safe place.
Naturally, Ash wasn’t in the mood for talking about any of this. However, it’s important for kids to have their feelings acknowledged and know that it’s okay to have the feelings they have. My grand-parents and parents generation didn’t know this, and I have the emotional scars to show for it. They thought that I’d toughen up if I was told to not to be silly and don’t be a crybaby. Asking what’s the matter with you or being dismissive by saying that whatever the issue was wasn’t a big deal… maybe for some kids it does toughen them up or make them feel better, but for me with my sensitive nature, it gave me a complex. What was wrong with me was a question I asked myself quite often and well into adulthood.
I don’t want that for Ash. Being nine and in the 4th grade… I don’t want him in his head like I was at his age. So, I decided to write him a letter and read it to him at bedtime. This method separates it from feeling like a “lecture” and makes it more of me sharing with him something I wrote.
Ash, my son,
I am proud of you for making the decision to pull yourself out of bed this morning, even though you did not want to leave it. Waking up from a dream where we have our heart’s desire makes us feel so happy and content, but then realizing it indeed was a dream can break our heart.
Dad and I acknowledge that you have strong feelings about having a dog. We agree that you would be a very responsible dog owner and the dog would have a happy life with you as its caregiver. Accepting that we cannot have one at this time hurts your heart and makes you sad. We understand that having landlords who have a “no pets allowed” policy makes no sense to you.
The rest of your day was not much fun either. The coach at after school care not seeing the email I sent verifying the additional $20 I added to your snack account, the same Coach not allowing you to call me to verify the charge, and then finally relaxing at home only to realize that the coach forgot to return your container to you and that it was still there - it was probably a lot for you to deal with. But you dealt with it. You made the decision to accept these challenges. You controlled the outcome of your day and did not let it control you.
It’s a challenge to the balance of our brain and feelings when we cannot have what we want, when we want it. As you continue to get older, you will face challenges that will try to throw you off balance. There will be times when you are indeed thrown off balance. Sometimes the fall will not hurt. Sometimes the fall will hurt really bad. And when you fall and you’re angry or your feelings are hurt, how will you deal with it? Will you let your feelings control you or will you be the one in control of your feelings?
You did great today and should be proud of your efforts.
Love Always,
Mom
What I learned
It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling: Part of being human is feeling a wide range of emotions. Stuffing them deep inside will only cause damage to one’s mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual health. Talking about how you’re feeling with a trusted person in a safe environment will help process those feelings.
Modeling how to listen with compassion: Allowing Ash to fully express himself without interrupting or lecturing him will teach him how to listen to others with compassion.
Being in control: As Ash grows into a teenager, his hormones will influence his actions. It’s important for him to recognize his feelings and take control of them and not let his feelings control him. Programming this into his mind now at age nine and through consistent reinforcement will be his “voice of reason” (fingers crossed).